The Daffodil Chronicles

Ok so 2009 was a total sham. I never blogged but maybe the first day. Im quite sure the busyness had taken over like the black plague, but no fear, I'm here. Well....for the moment! I have a few awesome projects I will be sharing soon so stay tuned. (haha as if there is anyone to stay tuned seeing its been a whole year!!) But Im sure I will make some new blogger friends soon.

I am so excited about this year. Usually I wake up Jan1st and break out my list of resolutions, wondering...how in the heck will I ever complete these!!!??? And then I go back to bed and think...Ohh, Ill start tomorrow. Excuses, excuses!

This year I plan on changing my focus. "Its not about me" is the theme!!

Ill be posting some great stuff soon!

Gretchin

So well, how do I start. As 2008 nears it final moments I have been really thinking hard as to what 2009 will bring. 2008 has been one of my best and worst years, spiritually speaking. In 2008 my dedication and growth in my spiritual walk topped a high score and yet 7 months into the year I also fell to my lowest ever. It seems kind of strange to have two such opposite ends, both quite extreme. A friend told me that the closer we get to God, the more a threat we become to satan. Let's just say satan was up to bat and my life was grand slammed out of the ballpark. Thankfully there was a good friend in the stands who rose up and grabbed me.

I feel like I am starting over again. No, no, I am starting over again, it's not just a feeling. In 2009 there are so many things I would like to change and do-over. Not like the I need to lose weight (which I do) resolutions I usually make, but the true soul searching, God searching things I want in my life and quite a few things I need to get rid of. Getting rid of things isnt really my specialty. I tend to be more of a pack rat. I can recall numerous time when I pull something out of a drawer that has been there for 5 years and thinking, "Well I thought I would need this". 2009 is going to be my Junking the Junk year. There are some closets in this heart that need a bit more than some reorganization, heck, they need the dump truck to pull up close!

My blogging I hope will be more continual in 2009 also. Although I have quite a hectic schedule I would like to update it at least once a week, so hopefully I can reconnect with my blog friends.


Until next time!
Gretchin

Into the darkness
Feelings of safety and fear
a familiar place, why am I here?

Long ago left behind
for a pure and rich light
but the flickering brought hopelessness into sight

I wonder why I am here?
What brought me back?
To a place I ran from and turned my back.

The light that once took residence
reflecting the glimmering in my eyes
now only shades of dark sorrow shadow the lonely cries.

Why am I here?
Who have I become?
When will I be rescued?

I feel so numb.

Like a winter night so dark and cold
Knee deep in confusion, the hurt unfolds
Why am I here?

Entangled in bitterness
Rage cloaked around me so tight
Trapped in the secrecy of my iniquities
Why am I here tonight?

My questions unanswered
Prayers with no response
Anger swelling like a thousand bee stings,

I know why I'm here.

But how do I get out?

Since the day I left my sons father I have had a hard time with being single. I am not just single but a single parent of two wonderful children. I knew in the beginning of my single-hood that rushing into a relationship would only stop me from a healing of my heart and mind that I could only trust the Lord for. Unlike my very spontaneous ex who rushed into the next relationship with a beautiful blonde bombshell, and lets not forget to mention, that she was also a quite financially stable woman too, which included new cars, a boat,and matching motor cycles. Ouch! Talk about a knife in the heart. I felt I couldn't even compare. The man who broke my heart had found the perfect woman and I hated her. Even more so I hated that I was single! I wanted to show him up, get some hot, studly, rich man and drive by in our new 700 series BMW laughing and enjoying our new romance so that he could grovel over what he had missed! Ok, I know, its just a vengeful fantasy but ohhh how I wanted that to happen. That was 3 years ago.

Since then the blonde bombshell dumped his sorry tail and he moved onto someone more in his league. Yes, yes, this did make me smile, just a bit. (I think its a hurt ex thing, Im getting better though) lol

Throughout the last 3 years I have turned to the Lord for healing. This breakup had taken its toll on me to the extreme and I needed Gods love and mercy like never before. Today I believe God has fully healed me from the brokenness I felt from the breakup but the desire to have a husband has not gone away. I miss the intimate relationship between a man and a woman, and Im not specifically just speaking of sex here. I have gone back and forth with feeling left behind by God and have sought temorary relational fixes to extinguish the flames of desire, even for just a moment. They never worked. They left me empty, shamed, embarrassed, and feeling even more unloved.

This past year I have given myself to God in a way that I had never before. I guess I felt this need to "get right" so to speak and know Him in a greater way. To understand His love like I never had and lean on Him to fulfill the desires I couldn't rid myself of. I must say God has taken me on a journey I never could have expected. It has been amazing. He has filled places in my heart that I wasnt sure could be filled ever again, with or without a husband. He has taught me so much about Him and His love for me. So I sit here wondering today why it is that this desire still isnt fully filled.

I still long to meet a Godly man whom I will marry. Someone I will look up to, respect, admire, love, and cherish. I dont expect perfection in the least. I myself am far from perfect. I have struggled with understanding what it is I need to do to be good enough in Gods eyes for Him to bless me in such a way. This got me to thinking. I have an array of single friends. I recently had a good friend get married and I wondered what I had done wrong that God did not bless me the same way? But was it that I did something wrong? I have other more dedicated Christian friends that if that was the case would have been married before this friend. So how does it happen? I have come to realize that it cant be fully because of our actions, dedication, etc. And if its just "God's timing" (which is a phrase I am soooooo sick of hearing!!!) then what is the hold up?

I have literally heard every reason a Christian could offer up.

You need to focus on God
Maybe you should settle for someone and hope they become a Christian
It's in God's timing not yours (If I hear this again I will probably cuss like a trucker!...LOUD!)
You need to just focus on your kids
Maybe you have the "gift of singleness" (gift????)
You're not looking hard enough or not putting yourself "out there"
You're too picky, you can't put God in a box with your own ideas
You aren't embracing your singleness as a gift



If I hear one more pathetic excuse or weak suggestion for why I am single or what I should do about it, I will scream!!!

Even as I sit here typing this I dont understand. My friends are getting married left and right. If they arent getting married they are already married and my single friends list is dwindling down. I feel so left out. I feel so left behind. Of all the desires of my heart this one is one of the biggest. The one I pray for daily. The one that brings tears to my eyes wondering how a father so loving could watch His daughter sit back and see so many people around her receive the blessing of marriage and yet not allow it for me.

I'm still single. And just like in the beginning, minus the vengeful feelings towards the ex, I still hate every bit of my singleness.

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90% of 8-16 year olds have viewed porn online (most while doing homework).



About a month ago my 7 year old son had a neighbor kid over to play. They went into his room, played some video games and then he went home. Average kids doing average things. Later that night my son came out into the kitchen to heat a snack in the microwave. He said mom, guess what "neighbor kid" told me? He said he went on his moms computer before she woke and up and searched "Girls having sex". "Mom, what' sex?" WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh I just wanted to scream!! My stomach dropped like I had just just tipped over the top of a vary large roller coaster and was on my way down to something I had feared ever coming to. Although I wanted to scream I took a deep breath and tried to approach the subject non-chalantly, as to not scare him or make him not talk about it. (But I was screaming inside!!)

I wondered how it is you approach the online porn subject with a seven year old? I thought I still had a few years before this moment, I guess I was wrong. With the internet I think kids have a portal to really anything that sparks curiosity if parental controls haven't been turned on yet. Needless to say, they have been turned on now.

As I sat in his bed talking with him I explained sex the best I could to my seven year old "baby". I tried to not make it sound like some top secret thing. I wanted him to know that it was an act God made and it was for husband and wives, and that it was a beautiful thing. I didnt dive into explicit detail but I just explained that there although it was a beautiful thing that if done before marriage it could bring a lot of pain and harm. I told him that at his age he had plenty other things to do and think about besides sex. Like...playing at the park, video games, riding bikes. Ok, ok, I know...bad counter examples but what do you say to a seven year old??

So the next day "neighbor kid" comes over. My son tells him that he told me and they are not in trouble! He said it was no big deal and that they shouldnt be thinking about that stuff because there were so many others things they could be doing! I was so proud of him!! He addressed the issue so calmly and hey, he was right, they could be doing so many other things!

Then...yes then....

My son says...Yeah, other things, liiiiikkkkke..."Kiss girls and stuff like that". WHAT!!!!??????!!!!!!!!!! My mouth dropped and the earlier held back screaming came bursting out. oops.

"I never said you could kiss girls, I SAID, you could ride bikes or play at the park, NOT kiss girl "and things like that".!!!!!!!! (all said very loudly in my best mom is REALLY ticked off tone.)

I handled the situation the best I knew how. How would you have handled it?

If you are now wondering yourself what you will do if this comes up I found a web site today that gives ideas on how to approach the "porn" issue as a parent. I only briefly read through but it seems pretty legit.

www.theporntalk.com

Ok so God is at work.

No seriously. Like....at work WORK.

A lot has been going through my mind lately. I have storms on the horizon. Big storms.

God has been prodding me to give more. More of me.

More Faith, More trust, More of everything I have.

My net worth is probably at about negative zero right now with not having a job. Times seem rougher than usual. And yet I hear God saying, still...give me more Gretchin.

Trust me.

Trust me to provide your every need, each and every day.

The storm winds are blowing hard and fast.

This has brought me to remember the story in 1 Kings 17 about the widow and her son. They had nothing, well almost. She was sure she would prepare her last meal for them, as they had nothing else, and surely they would starve to death. But then Elijah came and asked that she feed him.

At this moment of the story, speaking from a mothers perspective, who would YOU feed? The stranger or your child?

Yet the woman, puts her trust in the Lord. She not only feeds him, she feeds him first. She put his need above her own. In what seems like no surprise ending, God saves the day and provides for them each and every day. So if it's no surprise, then why is it, when we are faced with giving all we have, even before we satisfy ourselves, we worry?

Today I became that woman and it was no easy choice. Picture stepping off a cliff and trusting God will catch you. That's the kind of stomach dropping, deep breath moment this was. I know God will provide. But to be honest, I'm still a little shook up. This was really hard for me and it shouldnt have been. But I know God is refining me in many ways right now. I know He is calling me to put all of my trust in Him who provides for me, protects me, and loves me more than I can imagine.

Today I put my hope and Trust in the same God who gave me life. The God who knit me in my mother's womb. The God who answered the cries of David and gave a nation into his hands. And that's the God I praise everyday. For blessing and storms. For I know that I am being refined and my faith is made stronger through each storm endured.

Thank you God for giving me an opportunity to trust more than I ever have. I praise you as I sit and hope in You, and You alone.